Why ‘AND’ Might Be the Most Healing Word in Your Vocabulary
Have you ever told yourself,
“If I’m not doing it perfectly, I might as well not try”?
Or maybe:
“I’m resting, so I must be lazy.”
These thoughts feel true in the moment. But they’re rooted in a mental trap known as black-and-white thinking — and they often leave us feeling stuck, ashamed, and exhausted.
What Is Black-and-White Thinking?
As a therapist, one of the most powerful tools I teach clients is how to recognize cognitive distortions — the unhelpful thought patterns that quietly shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world.
One of the most common distortions I see (especially in high-achieving, self-critical women) is black-and-white thinking, also known as all-or-nothing thinking.
It’s when we believe something must be one extreme or the other — with no space for nuance or in-between.
But the truth? Life almost always lives in the grey. And when we try to live in absolutes, we end up feeling like we’re never enough.
Common Examples of Black-and-White Thinking
You might not realize you’re doing it, but these are some everyday examples I hear often:
“I’m either a good mom or a bad one.”
“I’m successful or I’m failing.”
“If I’m sad, I can’t enjoy anything.”
“I’m productive or I’m resting — I can’t be both.”
Sometimes, our brains convince us that thinking this way keeps us motivated or accountable. But in reality, it sets an impossible standard — one that invites burnout, shame, and emotional paralysis.
Why the Word “AND” Is So Powerful
Let’s talk about a small word with a big impact: AND.
This simple word opens the door to a more compassionate, flexible way of thinking. Instead of forcing you to choose one truth and throw out the rest, “AND” makes space for multiple realities to coexist.
Let’s look at the emotional shift in these phrases:
“I’m doing my best but it’s not enough.” → Invalidating
“I’m either confident or insecure.” → Limiting
“I’m learning and I’m still struggling.” → Validating + human
Here’s a quick exercise:
Say these three statements out loud and feel the difference:
“I’m productive or I’m resting.”
“I’m productive, but I’m resting.”
“I’m productive and I’m resting.”
You can feel the emotional shift in your body, right? “AND” softens the edges. It releases pressure. It makes space for complexity — which is what real life is made of.
When you practice telling yourself these “AND” truths day in and day out, they begin to shift your internal dialogue. And that shift supports a more grounded, empowered emotional state.
Real-Life “AND” Statements
Here are a few examples to remind you of the power of this reframe:
“I feel lost and I’m doing my best.”
“I’m grieving and I can still laugh.”
“I’m resting and I’m allowed to take up space.”
“I’m scared and I’m still showing up.”
“I’m overwhelmed and I’m capable.”
You don’t have to choose between emotions. You are allowed to be complex.
Try It: Practice Using AND
Let’s try reframing some black-and-white thoughts:
❌ “I’m anxious, so I must be weak.”
✅ “I feel anxious and I’m doing what I can to cope.”
❌ “I failed once, so I’ll never succeed.”
✅ “I failed and I’m still learning and growing.”
❌ “I’m tired, so I can’t be helpful.”
✅ “I’m tired and I still care deeply.”
🧠 Journal Prompt:
What are 3 “AND” statements that feel true for you today?
Why This Shift Matters
This might feel like a small word swap — but it’s much more than that.
Using “AND”…
Builds emotional flexibility, a core ingredient of resilience
Encourages self-compassion instead of criticism
Helps you stay connected to your wholeness, instead of dividing yourself into “good” and “bad” parts
Supports healing and opens the door to balance, growth, and belonging
A Gentle Reminder
You don’t have to be just one thing.
You are allowed to be a full, beautiful contradiction.
You are healing and growing and still enough — all at once.
Let “AND” be your reminder:
You’re not either/or.
You’re both/and. And that’s powerful.
Want to Practice This More?
Download “The Power of AND” worksheet — a supportive tool for clients or therapists to explore and apply this mindset in real life.
Great for:
• Processing emotions
• Journaling prompts
• Expanding black-and-white thinking
• Building emotional flexibility
